It's the semi final of Masterchef UK, and the contestants are in Spain. So host John Torode is wearing a scarf to show us he's outside. And talking to someone to the right of the camera. John, we're over here...
The contestants – who I shall call Ping, Giggly Luke and Jack with the hair – are here to learn from The World's Greatest Chef – Ferran Adria – and they don't even know it.
Squee.
Adria's El Bulli, we're told, is where the world got foams and airs, as well as some of the most amazing dishes in the universe. All made by TWGC. Who is here. And they don't know.
Yikes.
The contestants are up early, walking together like a Bananarama video clip, all wearing their chef's whites in to the market.
Giggly Luke lets himself down already by saying he doesn't know much about Spanish food.
Ping points out things as they walk – "avocados" she shouts, pointing her pen at the fruit. "Avocados" the others say in unison, nodding.
Co-host Gregg Wallace isn't wearing a scarf but he's very enthusiastic nonetheless, threatening that if they can't get inspiration there, they may as well hang up their aprons.
Giggly Luke panics and runs away from the camera looking for things he may recognise and be able to pronounce. Jack with the hair patronisingly says "they" appreciate it when you try and speak Spanish and then ask for parsley in a bad Spanish accent. "They" don't seem to like that.
Now we're in a town square where Jack, Ping and Luke are about to prepare their three tapas plates for a growing crowd and both Gregg and John, who is still wearing his scarf to show he's outside. Gregg is wearing a mac for the same reason, and is getting dizzy as he walks around trying to find things to smell and be enthusiastic about.
John is now talking to someone on the left hand side of the screen.
Luke, who has been dragged back from his panic attack in the market, is making bruschetta and worrying he's given himself too much to do.
Gregg wants Ping to do something Asian. Which isn't racist.
He gets over excited about her use of wasabi and has to hide his hands behind his back so he doesn't try and eat it. John says something out of Speedy Gonzalez to hurry them up. That's Mexico, John.
Tasting time, and it seems John brought his own silver fork. Gregg has to use a plastic one but he doesn't seems to care. "I like deep fried fish balls" he says like a small child, bouncing on his feet. I fear he may implode.
Jack's gremolata on top of his squid gives Gregg some kind of aneurism
Next up we meet Christian Escriba and Patricia Schmidt who are amazing famous pastry chefs and artists. He has an edible pastry showroom and is bonkers but amazing, making surprising and OTT desserts like giant dogs and a cowboy boot that one can only assume isn't a cowboy boot but in fact a cake. He also has a marvellous collection of spectacles and will henceforth be known as Elton John's Glasses.
The team build an edible Barcelona with chocolate pools of liquid candy, hard toffees and chocolates and green, um, stuff. They eat a lot of it. And try and communicate their love of it all by saying "fantastic" in Spanish accents.
Then they have to cook for Elton John's Glasses. Of course they now have to make a "surprising" dessert. Jack looks lost. Then makes an amazing white chocolate shell filled with Mango parfait. They love it and give him a model of himself made of sugar.
"I had a hard time making your hair," Patricia laughs. With good reason.
Ping has a plant pot filled with mint tiramisu and Elton John's Glasses loves it. We know this because "It's berry good. Thank you berry much"
Giggly Luke makes a meringue case filled with raspberry and white chocolate.
He has to say "surprise!" as Patricia and Elton John's Glasses don't seem to get it, and he giggles nervously. Then gets his doll and doesn't seem to realise it's him.
Awkward.
Day two and a cat is getting some sun, little realising that Bananarama are on their way.
Here's Carles Abellan – he worked with TWGC for a long time, before opening his amazing restaurants. But he could have a job as an Elvis impersonator.
Worryingly his interpreter sounds like he has emphysema.
Carles is teaching them to make some signature dishes from throughout his time as a chef. He says he loves the dishes like his own children, then we cut to a disturbing image of a large knife cutting through peppers.
Gulp.
Carles tells us something about something. It's hard to see under his quiff.
Then he's so nice to them about their food you just want to hug him. He tells Ping her dish is better than TWGC's and kisses her. He helps Giggly Luke who giggles nervously. And then he says it's perfect. By now I'm teary.
He swoops in to watch Jack with the hair, proudly looking on like a dad.
"OH MY GOD," he yells. "It's amazing."
Bawling.
And now they have to create a dish combining their own food and what they've learnt in Spain.
Luke walks around madly saying "spoon".
TWGC begins his walk into the building. The music gets more and more nail-bitingly loud. Carles eats Ping's pork. Thumbs up. Ping is making an air from oranges. That is a weird collection of sentences.
TWGC is walking in.
Carles meets him at the top of the stairs and everyone shares an awkward hug, then he leads him in to the kitchen.
Ping looks excited. Giggly Luke looks like he doesn't know who it is. Jack giggles nervously. Get your own "thing" Jack, the giggles are Luke's.
Ping tells him she loves cooking which is why she's on Masterchef. TWGC tells her to keep it as a hobby. Muchos laughter. He walks away and Ping looks like she's met Mick Jagger.
Jack giggles. TWGC giggles. Jack has no idea who he's dealing with.
Luke hugs TWGC and giggles. High fives him. Tells him he works in robotics. Everyone falls asleep.
TWGC has brought Elton John's Glasses and Roser Torras who is another Spanish foodie.
TWGC threateningly says he is hungry.
Luke has a headache. Will this prevent him in some way from doing something and therefore cause drama? Only time will tell.
Ping is all good. She's making orange potatoes.
Jack with the hair is dishing up and giving TWGC his dinner. He's made lamb three ways with pea air among other things. TWGC has his arms folded. Elton John's Glasses looks stressed.
A stream of Spanish words follow before we hear the word "fantastic" and then the emphysemic translator says "fantastic".
Phew.
Elton John's Glasses tell Jack he loves it. "It's berry, berry, berry good."
Luke is fine now. He must have had a panadol. He's refusing to acknowledge who he's serving. He is calling them normal diners. but Elton John's Glasses and TWGC are waiting. Tapping. Drinking wine.
He delivers the meals and sits down. His deconstructed moussaka looks good.
Roser asks if that was his goal, "to separate the aubergine from the meat" as if having a goal you can reach involving meat and vegetables is as worthy as, say, climbing Everest. Elton John's Glasses look worried. But they all seem to enjoy it.
TWGC calls it "tasty". Luke giggles, not totally understanding if they like it or not. I don't know either. He has to lie down.
Ping is clearly Carles's favourite. He watches over her like Daddy Elvis.
Elton John's Glasses and TWGC are drinking more wine.
Ping's dish smells good – TWGC holds it up to his nose to appreciate it. Elton John's Glasses love it. Roser likes it. TWGC says it's really well done. Twice. TWGC claps. This means he likes it. Roser kisses her. Game over.
Cut to Bananarama walking away in the Barcelona sunset. We look back through their journey as the wind blows Ping and Luke's hair all crazy, and Jack isn't allowed outside as his hair would do serious damage.
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