Come Dine With Me Couples - Merseyside edition

We are in Liverpool where three couples will take turns cooking for each other  - and scoring each night as they go. Who will win?

First up are Sandra and Graham, who met in the army and seem determined to be the funny ones. They do this by being obnoxious and semi-abusive to each other throughout the course of the night.

Graham calls Sandra a "slop jockey." Snigger.

Their menu involves beef medallions, and couple number 2 - Joanne and Simon - seem impressed with the cut of meat. They don't normally like posh things, they buy in bulk and they don't care. Joanne giggles as Simon talks. Then Joanne giggles some more.

Helen and Adam are couple number 3. They're knobs. He is already wanking on about all the 3 Michelin star restaurants they've been to.

Back to Sandra and she's slapping Graham in the face with the fillet steak. Then she makes him drop and give her ten.

Oh, they are so funny.

Starter for Sandra and Graham is chicken mousseline and mushroom douxelle pasta. The name of which has the expected effect on the others - Simon has no idea, just thinks it sounds posh and therefore is scared, while Adam and Helen look impressed.

Dessert will be something unpronounceable to Simon.

Joanne giggles.

Time for the first dinner party.

Sandra and Graham get changed and Sandra reappears suddenly looking like a dominatrix - choker necklace and boobs out. Graham tells Sandra Jo and Simon's names, and already hilarity ensues when she wonders if they're both men. Oh you.

Helen and Adam turn up with a magnum of champagne, the douchebags. Helen is already sounding hysterical and shrill. Helen's hair is the only thing I can look at. It's remarkable. Tall, curled, pinned, loose. It is every hairstyle ever, all in one.

Dinner begins.

Entree goes off without a hitch. "You'd get it at a posh place," says Simon. High praise.

Helen's hair is defying gravity.

Adam criticises the wine.

Simon says he loves Ferrari but doesn't have one... and Helen jumps in to wank on and on about how she's had 4 Porsches. The world weeps.

Then Graham and Sandra do a little singing for everyone. It's horrible.

They make their dessert and Helen must have had too much champers as talk turns to nicknames and she asks if Sandra calls Graham "big Sarg". He makes a joke about a big "saus-sarge" and she a) laughs shrilly or b) gets an AVO out on him. (clue: it's "a")

Joanne calls Simon her "big baby boy" and then says he's known at home as the "bum monster".  Simon explains he's called this because he likes to chase her and bite and pinch her on the bum.

Make it stop.

Day 2 and it's Joanne and Simon's time. Adam hedges his bets saying he gets the feeling they don't know much about food but then says he wouldn't be surprised if they did. He's making no sense but no one cares what he says anyway so it doesn't matter.

Turns out Simon doesn't cook much. But they're making American style pulled pork and says the word spicy about 15 times while Joanne giggles. Oh, bum monster!

Entree will be scallops and fruit skewers. Helen loves scallops. Adam says something. I wasn't listening.

Sandra and Graham find a photo that shows Simon used to be really overweight. But now he's a fussy eater and has a tattoo of the number 26 - he weighed 26 stone - on his "fridge hand" so when he goes to eat out of the fridge he's reminded how fat he was. This is poignant. Joanne giggles.

There's a lot of chat about the scallop /fruit combo. Not a winner. Adam patronisingly says they're cooked well.  Simon should eat him.

The pulled pork is too spicy for Sandra and Graham. Who knew?

Helen whispers she doesn't like pork. Or spicy food.

Adam complains about the wine.

Then Adam asks Simon where the meat comes from and wanks on about how he spends a lot on meat and you can taste the difference. Simon nods patiently but clearly wants to punch him. Then he patiently explains to us what a wanker Adam is. Not in so many words.

One more night to go. Helen and Adam are now spraying Glen 20 all over their kitchen for some reason, and talking about Michelin stars again. If they use the phrase fine dining one more time I'm going in.

Bum monster sums it all up in a nutshell.  "I don't want to put them down but they're a little bit more boring than we are."

Their entree is sea bass with prawns. Dessert is a creme brûlée and Helen puts them in the oven. Adam sits and watches the oven get to the right temperature while Helen reapplies her lipstick.

They're doing venison for main, with red cabbage. Adam tells us it compliments the venison  - he knows this because he's had it in a few restaurants before. And he's a fuck-knuckle.

The other couples arrive and nose about their house, looking at photos.

Turns out in some photos you can see that Helen has tattoos all over herself. This is because she is "fun" and "wild".  Adam takes photos of food, which Simon can't understand. "I'll take photos on roller coasters and things like that, but not in the pub - 'oh look at this pastie'," he guffaws.

Hang on, bum monster - the only place you take photos is on roller coasters?

Adam and Helen have horrible black plates and glasses but bring out different glasses for each course because they've done wine matching with their dishes. Of course. Because they're "strong advocates of it" apparently.  I don't think Adam knows what that means.

The others are all appalled that they have different glasses for each wine. Sandra and Graham think you only need a wide-bottomed glass for red and a small glass for white, Simon thinks wine either makes you gag or not. I think you're "advocating" to the wrong audience, Adam.

No one likes the fish entree.

They talk about the food photos. Adam tells us they're also big advocates of fine dining. I stab myself in the eye with a pen.

He hold up a picture from Heston Blumenthal's Fat Duck - "that's a faux grow dish" he says. I gauge a little harder.

Adam is wanking on about his personal favourites and shuffling through the pics, showing bad shots of Heston's snail porridge. "That's a good one," he says. Everyone is asleep.
"I think it's a great interest of mine", he says. No kidding, says the world.

He has a meat probe. I know what he should do with it.

They bring up the tattoos. And then Helen says it's because they have a rock side to them. But then Adam shows his "fantasy-based" tattoo and everyone in the universe laughs. This is because it cements his position as biggest tool ever.  Helen now thinks their crazy side has won them over. Adam advocates this. Then ruins it all by wanking on about dessert wine.

Joanne tries to be nice, saying that Adam has been taking them on a food journey.
Bum Monster says "It could have been a short journey which we would have enjoyed, instead it was a lengthy journey."

Three cheers for bum monster.

Adam is garbling on about citrus cutting through the sweetness. I didn't know he was still talking.

Time for the scores and Sandra tells us she wouldn't cry if she won. Graham says he would
And lo, they do. And they both do. Bless.

Simon is gutted  - but makes a good point about getting two free meals.

Adam can't talk anymore. Helen says the will have to go to another Michelin star place to drown their sorrows. Adam pretends to cheers to the winners while inside he's thinking about Heston's snail porridge. It's his happy place.