Masterchef: Yes, Marco

Marco Pierre White is back in the Masterchef kitchen so we're all going to just have repeat ourselves endessly. Yes Marco, yes Marco, YES MARCO, three bags effing full, Marco.

Tonight it's like a bad dream  - the three losers from last night (Matthew the dentist, Reynold the cute desserty student and Billie the model girl with too much eyeliner) have to do a pressure test. Reynold is so worried, he tells us he's going to do his absolute best.

Well, welcome Reynold, to Masterchef.

Perhaps you should have thought of that yesterday....

Matt Preston tells us that when it comes to speed in the kitchen, nothing can compare to Marco Pierre White... and I don't think he means drugs. But maybe he does. Marco looks smug. But that also may just be his face now.

He's cleaning his glasses so maybe he just can't see.

Matt is gleeful. Could be his new side-swept hair. Could be the fact that the contestants have to cook along at the same time and same pace as Marco.

Reynold is worried. We know this as his Adam's apple moves furiously.

George is wearing a woollen vesty jumper thing over a shirt. He doesn't look happy about it.

Matt is going on and on about keeping up with Marco, so everyone is getting nervous.

Marco tells us what what they're doing.

"My little lamb chops en crepinette," he winces, trying to focus without his specs.

Matthew is on to him. "There's no way," he says, "this is going to be a simple lamb chop." Derrr.

Marco continues. He mentions tongue and ham and something else. Pigs somehow are mentioned, I think. Marco puts his glasses on so now we know he's serious.

Then he takes them off.

Then Gary tells us only one of them will be safe, then that two of them go into elimination at the end of the week. It's confusing me. The rules have changed and now they have to cope with Marco and his glasses.

"The first job is easy," he says, over the top of his specs. They have to butcher the lamb along with him, as he reminds them to say, "Yes, Marco," then TELLS US HE DOESN'T LIKE TO REPEAT HIMSELF. Obviously he's never heard himself repeating himself. Endlessly. Ah well.

Marco is like Dexter, chopping thing up and saying things like, "Pull back the flank" and "run the knife down the ribs". Is it wrong that it sounds sexy?

"Billie is on fire," says someone as I look away for a second.
Shit, I think, that's awkward in the kitchen.
But no, she's just metaphorically on fire.
She's just beating the two boys with her butchery skills.
She's keeping up with Marco.

Matthew is finding it hard already.

Suddenly Gary is upstairs leaning over the balcony. Why?

Now we're being told that Matthew has chopped his, er, chops up, when he should only have chopped one bone off. Derr Matthew, remind me not to get you to look at my teeth.

"Clean your bone," says Marco. Swoon.

Matt is on the balcony too. Why?

Reynold's ahem, bone, is a lot longer than Marco's. Don't you hate that?

Marco is now only talking in single words.

"Watching" he states. "Trim" he says.

"Have a look at his finished chop," says George's jumper from - you guessed it - the balcony.

Billie has done it wrong, too.

Marco is already putting his meat in the fridge. Billie is starting again. He tells her to push much harder.

Now he's making chicken mousseline and by the time he's said that he's already put it in the blender. Reynold and Matthew just realised he's doing something, and have caught up. Billie is still trying to cut her chop.

Marco is glaring over his glasses. This won't end well.

Marco has eaten his meal and washed up. No, he hasn't. Quite.

Marco is looking down his nose at Billie disapprovingly.

Now he's adding cream to his mousse. So are Matthew and Reynold. Billie is now happy with her chop. Thank God.

Now Marco is dicing pickled tongue.

"I'm watching you, Reynold. Are you watching me?" Marco asks seductively. As he chops tongue on a chopping board.

Creepy.

"Reynold, are you on the ham?" Marco asks. Thank the Lord, Reynold is. Billie meanwhile is finishing her mousse. This is exhausting.

Matthew is moving from tongue to ham, he tells us. "You've got enough tongue there," agrees Marco.
Snigger.

"I'm trying to watch what Marco is doing, he's cutting them up nice and finely so I'm just trying to do the same thing," says Matthew, as if that WASN'T THE WHOLE POINT OF THE CHALLENGE.

Then the truffle. Yes, Marco. Billie is catching up.

Then he gets the chicken mousse out of the fridge.
"Chicken mousse, yes Marco" he shouts.
He puts the chopped tongue and ham and truffle in with the mousse and mixes it up then holds the bowl under Billie's nose so she can see what he's done. "Do you see?" he asks.
He moves it towards Reynold. "Do you see?" and then waves it nowhere near Matthew.

Now Marco has got his chop back. He's seasoning it. Yes, Marco. Season it generously. Yes, Marco.

He's putting the mousse on the "presentation" side of his chop.

Then he begins to get the crepinette. "Do you see?" he yells, holding it up like a towel in front of his face. It's pig caul.  That's intestine. He doesn't tell us that. I looked it up. Matthew tells us it's stomach. He looked it up too.
"It's not damaged," Marco tells us. It looks damaged to me, I think.

They have to wrap their chops in it without there being any holes.
Billie calls it a "crapinette". At least I think she does. I'm too busy being disgusted.

Matthew still doesn't realise he only has a single chop. That isn't a sentence you hear a lot.

Sara is worried for Matthew but he seems oblivious.

"Show me your cutlets" purrs Marco to Matthew. Matthew shows Marco his cutlets.
"That's not a double cutlet, that's a single cutlet," Marco tells Matthew. Derr.
"You're in trouble" he says, though it's unclear if he means today, or with him, or what.

While Matthew tells us he can't believe he's messed up the lamb and it could send him to elimination, he's not actually doing anything to fix it. He's putting it in the tray.

Matthew, you're disappointing me. Again, don't ever come anywhere near my teeth please.

Matthew decides he has to push on and hope his "flavours match Marco's."

I vomit a little in my mouth.

Reynold's bone is too big. Bwahahahhaaha.

Billie's crepinette looks like it may burst open.

They're all screwed.

Marco tells them to get their leeks, their asparagus, their herbs and their butter (Yes, Marco) and prepare the garnish (Yes, Marco) beginning with peeling and trimming the asparagus (Yes, Marco).
"Watch how Marco's holding it," says George.
"Trim the asparagus on a 45 degree angle," says Marco, brandishing a spear at them.
"Do you see?"
Yes, Marco.
"Let's take our pencil leeks. Pencil leeks, come on!" says Marco. He's leaving everyone behind on 45 degree asparagus.
"Get the baguette leeks," he scolds. "They're the slightly larger ones, Matthew" he admonishes.

"Slit them down the middle, half way down, to get the grit out," he suggests.

First thing I will remember today. Nothing worse than a gritty leek.

Ahem. Back in the room.

Wash your leeks (Yes, Marco) and take your baguette leeks and dice them. Yes, Marco....

Reynold is in a world of pain, unable to get precision and speed happening at the same time. He has precision down pat, but is falling behind with speed when it comes to his leeks. Billy is charging ahead, her leeks are chopped already.

"Where are your mushrooms?" yells Marco to no one in particular.
"I can't see them!" he says threateningly.

Put your glasses on, I think.

Matthew looks for his mushrooms and tells us they look like mouldy asparagus. Which is nice.
"You have to scrape and wipe the mushrooms," Marco tells them, thrusting his hand in front of them to show them. No one is looking, they're too stressed.

Matthew has scraped and wiped his "mouldy asparagus" and is now suddenly in the lead.

But that all changes when they're told to put the lamb chop in the steamer. Matthew has size issues.
"I know I don't have a double chop like he does" he moans. "This is going to make it hard," he states the bleeding obvious.

Jessica tells us she's really worried about Reynold. "His meat should have been in the steamer ages ago," she frowns. "And I've no idea where his head is."

Hopefully not in the steamer where his meat should be. Lawks.

This is stressful.

Reynold is lost, he says.

"I'm watching you, Reynold," says Marco, seductively. "Are you watching me?"

Reynold says "Yes, Marco," but I'm not sure he is.

Matthew has run out of truffle. He used it all in his mousse. He's worried as now not only does he have a tiny chop but he has tasteless sauce.

I won't continue with that line.

Matthew picks bits of truffle out of a plate of leftovers.

Marco turns his lamb. He says it should take twelve minutes to cook. Matthew is warbling on about how his is smaller and needs less time... he is SUCH a size queen.

Now Marco is cooking the various leeks in various pans. He pulls parts of the pencil leeks off. It's a lot of fiddling around with leeks, this dish.

Billie's lamb is cooked, she thinks. Marco suggests she should follow her instinct about it. George's jumper tries to help but he just makes Matthew panic again and he spirals out of control about how his meat may be overcooked. I'm beginning to hope it is.

"Check your lamb cutlet, Reynold," says George's jumper. "Feel it," he says.

"It's not ready!" says Reynold, who is back in the game now that Matthew is losing his shit.

Marco now adds the mushrooms and asparagus to a frying pan then tells them to add their cutlets to the pan and roll them around. Billie is worried she will over cook her chop. Reynold realises his may now be over cooked. Matthew is imploding I imagine. We don't get to see.

Marco begins to plate up. He puts the leeks in the centre of the plate - Matt tells them all it's crucial to watch but no one seems to be.

He folds the other leeks on angles. Billie is the only one who seems to be doing it correctly. Reynold's complaining about his "giant bone" hanging off the side of the plate. Fnarrr.

"Dress, dress, dress, dress!" says George's jumper. Ironically.

Matthew's whinging about something else now. Something is ruining his presentation. Turns out to be the enormous amount of butter he put in his leeks.  I don't know why he doesn't just go home.

He's re-plating. It's torturous.

Marco is brushing his chop with juice. Adding parsley. He's done. And miraculously, so is Matthew.

Marco comes over. ''You've done fantastic haven't you," he says - to Billie.

"That's a big bone" he says, to Reynold. Obviously.

"I like that Jackson Pollock touch" he tells Matthew (Marco code for "that's a mess," I am thinking)

"Come and have a look at mine and tell me if there is a difference."

Um.

"It was fabulous working with you," Marco guffaws.

"Thank you for allowing me to keep up with you," he chortles.

All fun and games now. Yes, Marco.

Looking at their plates, Billie's looks the best. She knows it. She's saying all the right things about them all getting the elements on the dish and how it will be close... but she's cocky and she should be.

First one to get tasted is Billie's...  Marco loves it. He says she should be pleased with herself. No worries there then.
Matt says something about her asparagus but everyone knows no one cares what he says today.

Next up is Matthew and he's already whinging about the size of his meat.  And the testing part of the pressure test. And the, erm, pressure part.  Marco says some nice things. Patronising but nice.

Lastly Reynold and his giant bone.  His meat and leeks are slightly overcooked. George's jumper likes his technique with the tongue. It's a Carry On film right here...

I'm on the edge of my seat. I don't want Matthew to win....

Marco's turned all nice.  He's smiling squintingly at them... put your specs on Marco.

George's jumper is running through their faults. It's nerve-wracking.

And Billie wins. Thank the Lord.

She smiles at Marco. Who squints back at her... It's Billie, Marco. Yes, Marco.