Masterchef UK – because John and Gregg

It's back to the kitchen for the top 14, as seven of them compete for a place in the top eight. That's a lot of maths right there but bear with me. Seven have already competed (the "red aprons", who sound like an aerial display team but who were apparently "very exciting indeed") and now the seven "blue aprons" have to cook for John and Gregg.

Jen's food, according to Gregg, looks good and tastes good. I would assume that is the point, but I may be missing something. She tells us that her dad is her inspiration and that he cooks a roast dinner every Sunday that she and her brother go home for. That would be moving if it didn't mean she was so cheap.

Gregg is silently laughing at a joke they must have edited out. He looks like a clown at Luna Park and I'm waiting for someone to throw a ball in his mouth. But no.

Natasha's food is also delicious apparently. I don't know why they don't just give up now as everyone is supposedly so amazing. More shit cooks, I say!

Natasha seems to be cooking an entire cabbage in a fry pan and then John makes a hilarious joke about her dish and how she's got some lamb with some lamb and lamb on lamb. Oh it's hilarious. Really it is. It goes on an on – the world of lamb! – stop, my sides. John, no more. No really.
She tells us what lamb dish she's cooking (fillet of lamb, if you care any more) and burnt cabbage. I could have told them that. However it does sound nice so I'll eat my words later. Sadly I won't be eating any of her lamb. Let's say lamb again.
John says he's surprised how modern the dish sounds and Gregg looks puzzled. There's no potatoes he almost weeps, complaining that burnt cabbage is normally something you send back. My sides, my sides. And I don't mean dishes. See what I did there?
Make it stop.
Anyway.

Liz is another favourite and she's making a stew-inspired sauce because her mum couldn't cook. I think that is what happened. I was too busy peering at her kiddy photo and the empty bowl in front of her in it. She says she ate a lot of tomato sauce sandwiches as a kid. Just before the photo was taken, apparently.
Gregg says something inappropriate-sounding about taking a steaming hot bowl of comfort food and making it look sexy.

Then he says he loves Juanita. Who tells a story about her mum catching octopus when she was a kid and then having sandwiches. Not sure if I missed something there but then John and Gregg tell us we have things made of crab and tomatoes and olive oil capsules and I have NO idea what she's making.

Stuart has the best handlebar moustache I've seen for some time. I have no idea if he can cook, but.
He's set his own benchmark, apparently, and according to John it's way up there. By his moustache, one assumes.
Which is near his mouth so at least he can taste it.

Billy is what Gregg calls a risk taker, then Gregg tells us that a duck curry pie illustrates "the adventure of Billy". If I were Billy I would hope for more than that. ..

Billy says he's doing a take on beef and oysters. AS IF THAT IS A THING.
It's not a thing is it? Is it?
Gregg doesn't think it will work. Gregg, I think you're right about the pie – please God, don't get more adventurous than that, Billy.

Chris is a personal trainer and he's making a blondie (which apparently is like a brownie) with apple in it. If that doesn't sound like something a trainer would cook I don't know what does.

Billy comes up to let the judges taste his steak and oysters... John looks like he's about to cry with joy. Gregg is elated. Billy seems shocked they like it and all the other contestants feign enthusiasm and support. Gregg mentions tasting the sea, which pleases him no end. Is that like smelling burning toast when you have a stroke, I wonder... Or BURNING CABBAGE? Gah, it's all making sense now.

"Jen, let's see your roast dinner please," Gregg then says, somewhat creepily. I keep forgetting Jen's 27 – I think of her as 15, for some reason. Could be her posh voice and bad dress sense. And her cheapness and her total disrespect for her father. Go to your room, Jen.

Her roast looks nice but there are no veg and Gregg criticises her large potatoes. They both say a lot of things that basically mean it's bland, and Jen looks ready to cry.

Liz's stew-inspired sauce, which turns out to be, well, a stew, looks good and the judges are blown away by her beef. John loves her herby dumpling. I have never said that before, and never will again.

Natasha makes lamb – remember? Gregg has a go at her for putting little edible flowers on the plate next to her burnt cabbage – "you want to go pretty and hearty and you're stuck between two worlds," he says, as if she's a vampire. Then John says he wants more of everything. Except burnt cabbage. Burnt means one thing, he says. And that is? Well, it's burnt isn't it.
Gregg's voice goes all gravelly and thick as he says, "I  love the crispy lamb belly, you can give me that all day long." It conjours up an image in my head I don't want.

He likes the burnt cabbage though so poor Natasha has no idea if she's done well or not – poor, erm lamb, her world (of erm, lamb) isn't a nice place to be right now.

Juanita's dish, says the woman doing the voiceover, is inspired by crabbing with her family. I am not sure how I feel about it based on that but it looks pretty and has about 57 components including a million versions of tomatoes and "encapsulated olive oil". I have decided to try and make that for tea tomorrow. Gregg thinks she's a genius. John says it's exceptional. Everyone else murderously tries to look happy for her.

Chris's blondie looks nice and John loves his sorbet. But – horror – he hates the blondie and finds it cakey. It's a cake, John, says the world.
Could Chris be the shit cook we're all dreaming of?
Gregg likes it, though, as he was "brought up with big thick sticky puddings"  – can't imagine where that was or how his brothers and sisters feel about being called names.
I'm here all week. Try the lamb.

Stuart has made apple crumble and custard with 47000 extra things on it. John loves it and says it has the flavours of bonfire night – but I don't think he means singed eyebrows and burning paper. Stuart blushes, which makes the end of his mo stand out even more. He's stoked as he had never made the dish before a week ago.

Time for the decision – and the "blue aprons" head out into the waiting room with the "red aprons" (presumably back from flying in formation somewhere) and John and Gregg discuss them all.
Mike, who must have been in the first round, unless he's even more unmemorable than I think he is, says he thinks he's done enough personally, but doesn't know if that's enough for John and Gregg, Which is kind of the point of the show so he won't win.

Gregg and John are saying "lamb" a lot – must be about Natasha but I'm not paying attention as I'm waiting to see John's face again when he talks about cabbage. Ooh good  – he does disdain well.

Everyone comes back in now to learn their fate. They all look thoughtful and slightly down... the music is sad and depressing. Someone is going to cry... but it's not Stuart, who looks defiant in the face of defeat mostly because he looks like an army colonel from the Raj, and because he gets through.

Juanita and Billy get through. Liz gets through with her stew. Shit cook Chris's blondie gets him voted out and says, "I thought I'd maybe done enough but clearly not."
He and fellow mensa member Mike, head off to the green room to have more scintillating conversation. Or not.
The rest are through and the music gets all chanty and rousing. "Great bunch of cooks," says Gregg, as if that isn't the point of the show.