Masterchef: The Professionals
There's nothing better than Masterchef for a little intrigue and oil splatters... and of course Gregg Wallace, the master of noisy eating.
It's the second last episode of this series and there are only four competitors left - Brian, Sven, Jamie and Danny - the boy band you have when your boy bands are all in whites, a little chubby and a bit geeky. With glasses and accents you can't understand. But, boy can they cook.
They're battling to go cook in Spain, so it's all on the line here... one of them won't make it.
Gregg and his henchmen Monica Galetti and Marcus Wareing are standing there looking foreboding.
Welcome back, Gregg says, in the most unwelcoming tone ever.
The music swells. It's like a death march.
"What you have to do right now", he tells the increasingly shifty and unhappy looking
Derr.
They have two hours.
They all begin rolling things and dipping things and Thermomixing things. A step up from the amateurs on most cooking shows. They're frying things in butter at every turn.
"Chefs, you have one hour," says Greg. "Let's make sure it's not your last hour, shall we?" he says, somewhat menacingly. I can only hope he's talking about in the competition and not just generally...
Frantically pinching raviolis together with chubby fingers, Jamie tells us he had a little wobble at the chef's table. I'm not sure if that was a bad thing or not, but according to his face, yes it was.
Sven is piping something back into an egg shell.
Everyone adds another packet of butter to whatever they're cooking.
Brian has made rolled rabbit loin with a million things made from turnip and mushrooms. It looks amazing. The "rebbit", according to NZ chef Monica, was cooked perfectly. And Gregg loved it, too.
Sven has made a faberge egg. A faberge egg? It's covered in pasta. it's lobster mousse around a quail egg and langoustine and it looks like lego. They are in two minds about it - Monica and Gregg love it, Marcus thinks it's terrible. I'm with Marcus.
Danny has made poussin with panfried hearts and turnips and a consommé with chicken fat. Gregg says it gives you a kiss on the cheek when you want a snog. Danny says snog this, and punches Gregg*.
*this may or may not have happened.
Poor old wobbly Jamie has made rabbit with livers, his finger-pinched pasta filled with braised shoulder, carrots and rabbit sauce with peas, capers and tarragon. Marcus nods at him as he takes a bite. Good sign.
Monica say when she eats his food she doesn't want to share it. Jamie smiles.
Gregg calls it one of the bet rabbit dishes he's ever tasted.
And then Marcus says if he was a rabbit, that is how he'd like to be cooked and served.
The RSPCA take the show off air.
Jamie's nearly crying. Oh no he IS crying. Bless. He's possibly thinking about all the little bunnies who want to be in his dinner now.
Danny gets the boot for his poorly seasoned poussin and his violence against Gregg. Maybe.
Jamie is delighted to go through and tells us something no one can understand but it has the word "massive" in it.
Now we're in San Sebastian in Spain. The culinary capital of Europe and the home of Mugaritz, the restaurant. Chef Adoni Luis Aduriz makes food we can only dream of, apparently, but worked with Ferran Adria at El Bulli and was inspired to make food that looks like art - illustrated for us here with vegetable tiles and berries made from bubbles of beetroot, plus edible stones make of potatoes covered in clay.
Looks easy enough, boys.
Here they come in slow motion like a Westlife video. Jamie mentions something about something blah blah something... very... amazing, I think...
First up they have a masterclass with Adoni. They're making "decadence" - a dish with smoked cream and truffles with flowers complete with a sugar fork. A sugar fork, for crying out loud. Then eucalyptus smoked lamb with cultivated mould. Yes. Mould. It's cultivated over two days and then the mould is put over it, like a "blanket" says Jamie. I assume.
Adoni writes a note saying "forget everything". Which, given the intricacy of his dishes, seems a bit odd. But then Jamie goes out in the garden with Adoni's offsider and they have a conversation where I'm sure neither of them understands the other one. Forgetting may be good.
Then they have to create a dish inspired by what they've learned even though they were told to "forget everything". I'm worried.
Adoni smilingly says he's nervous. You're not the only one, Adoni.
Sven is making something with squid and peppers.
Brian has an ox heart tomato. He's not cooking it. He's infusing the flesh with lemon thyme and onion juice. My head is exploding a bit...
Jamie is using peaches and grilling them. He is planning to infuse them with spices. He's saying something about hoping Adoni likes it.
That is the whole point Jamie, glad you could join us.
Adoni and his offsider sit at a table - he's looking like a mild mannered professor ready to go postal.
Sven is first - a dip of red pepper and squid meringue. Sven is seemingly impressing Adoni with his dip. It's perfect, according to Adoni. It looks like a pebble topped with baby poo, says the rest of the world.
Forget everything indeed.
Next up, Brian is topping his tomato with a pickled fresh dahlia and some caviar. It looks amazing, like some kind of tuna dish. Adoni likes it. Double thumbs up. And a clap. Brian sits outside and sighs... raw food? And it worked? Wowser. Wouldn't get away with that in Aberdeen, he chortles.
Jamie's making a freeze dried yoghurt sorbet... he tells us about it but I'd be lying if i told you I got one word of it. Except at the end I hear, "let's hope it tastes as good as it looks!"
Each peach half has been spiced with green peppercorns and cloves and an assortment of other toppings including crumbled brioche.... it looks gorgeous. Adoni says he understand his restaurant too well. Jamie then proves he may have understood it but we will never understand him, by telling us how he feels. I think.
Next Adoni is letting them all cook for guests. The three chefs climb the stairs in unison. It's very moving. It's like watching people going to the gallows.
Sven is making a few things, including a ravioli filled with what looks like a garden. Adoni's offsider tells him to slow down, saying "make it nice, don't make it twice". Wise words indeed.
Brian is making something weird in a mortar and pestle that will involve the customer crushing it themselves. He's happy because it's not a lot of work. Finally he will make a colourless fish dish with milk pearls and white fish.
Jamie's making something with steak and blue cheese paste - he says something cute about liking cheese. I think I'm in love with Jamie. He then makes an apple juice pastry with pressed flowers in it. I love him a little more.
Service kicks off. Must have missed the cod throat skin Sven is cooking. Feel a bit queasy.
Sven does well. Everyone loves his food.
He will remember Adoni wiping his plates forever, he says, somewhat weirdly.
Brian makes his tomato for his entree. Then plates up his weird mortar and pestle concoction. Gregg loves smashing his up, adding "a dish that is so much fun shouldn't taste as good as this." He's the master of the soundbite, old Gregg.
Brian has such a good time he's debating whether to come back for the final at all.
Now it's Jamie and no one knows what he's saying but he's caramelising the blue cheese steak so he's happy. It makes his audience ecstatic. Next he makes his peach dish with some added smoke for show, with a mandarin leaf for flavour. And lastly his hanky dish... in a box. It's a triumph.
Though seeing Gregg eating a wet looking hanky is not great television.
Adoni hugs him. Jamie says something poignant. Perhaps.
A little look back at their time and a threatening few words from Gregg - "I want to see them recreate all that in the final cook," he says, no pressure at all - and our boy band walk off into the distance, to prepare for the finale.
