Gordon Ramsay says he's going to teach me to make amazing food standing on my head. Which is possibly against OH&S rules.
But here I am. Listening to his wisdom as he tells me he's going to be holding my hand, as "it gets better and better". I'm worried already.
This week it's simple suppers. He says they are the key. To what, I'm not sure.
Spicy Tuna Fishcakes are apparently going to change my life. Which isn't how I saw things panning out but I'm willing to be convinced, Gordon. He's convincing the laydeez by talking to us in Sexy Gordon voice. None of the shouty man we're used to on his other shows. This is a man who does the washing up AND offers a foot massage.
Canned tuna, ginger, water chestnuts.... all kind of sexualised by Gordon's whispering voice. It's not hot in the kitchen yet, but I do worry old Gordo is getting hot under his whites. He's massaging and slicing and inhaling it all like a Japanese businessman at one of those knicker machines.
Gordon adds his eggs and gets his hands in and yes, he groans. It's perturbing, but ok, they DO look good.
He's making a dipping sauce.
I'm not sure I am strong enough for this.
Next up he is talking us through the grater and peeler that changed his life. A speed peeler and a box grater. It's endearing how happy he is about "bits of kit" as he calls them.
Now he's all excited about bread. He's making three things that will mean bread becomes... er, well, a staple. Fennel and Feta flatbread looks delish and easy, like a very cool pizza. I'm warming to his delivery - the nuances are worth the slightly dirty feeling. Honest.
More bread and it's baguettes this time, to make bruschetta and add garlic and caper berries with pecorino and cherry tomatoes. "Paying attention to the edges," he whispers invitingly. "Add a twist of pepper," he continues, seductively.
Next is a white bean crostini with olives and anchovies. Delish. Even he thinks it's incredible.
"Incredible," he whispers.
Gordon tells me power is knowledge in the kitchen. But his hand gesture for the word "knowledge" is to make like he's cupping some giant breasts. Whoah there ...
Now he's telling me about his top five soft herbs he can't live without. Basil, parsley, coriander, tarragon and chervil. Yikes now he's talking about hard ones.
I don't think I can do this.
Oh it's ok, it's just rosemary, thyme, oregano sage and bay leaves. Calm down all.
OK we're in to desserts. Puddings should be a pleasure not a chore he says. Home made ones are always impressive he gasps.
Griddled pineapple with spiced caramel is his pick and he may be right. He's griddling the slices of pineapple and sprinkles them with sugar to glaze them. Now he's making the caramel - never stir it he says, rather forcefully. Then suddenly I blink and he's whisking it - I don't know what happened but it seemed to involve cream and butter.
He's now telling me how to chop basil and suggests we place the leaves on inside the other. Who has time for that Gordon. Not with all this seduction going on.
It's really important to get comfortable with the knife, he says, as he shows us his gnarly fingers. Then he says that cutting with a knife is "all in the wrist action". It's a schoolboy's dream. And he hasn't finished yet. He brings it home with his tips for cutting stuff up. "Up and down, up and down". I need a hug and a nap.
Now he's giving us some quick fire cooking tips. Want a boiled egg? Add an egg to boiling water for eight minutes, finish with a splash of vinegar and plunge into iced water.
Salad dressings. Asparagus...
It's all too much. I can't cope with his tips. there are too many. I can't help feeling that some of them are not tips at all, they're just things everyone does. Cook asparagus in water. Make a salad dressing. Buy his app. Oh. I see...
